Who am I?

I am the sum of all my parts.  Genetics.  Aesthetics.  Heretics.  Some days it’s glaringly obvious who I am and I’m happy.  Other days I count the close friends on less than one hand and I begin to question my own worth.  “You’re not a good person” “You’re too opinionated” “Lose some weight” – you know, the usual.

I struggle to sit on fences.  I’ve learned to judge less.  Evolve.  But it’s bloody uncomfortable with a paling up your backside and I don’t want to sit next to apathy.

I am fiercely loyal.  I don’t suffer fools.  Narrow-mindedness upsets me.  I like red boiled lollies.  I love laughing.  I deflect things with humour.  Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not.  Sometimes people tell me I’m funny and I’m not sure if they mean “funny ha ha” or “funny strange”.   There are insecurities that rattle inside my brain I have named Joe Pesce – “I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”  It’s not very funny.

I’m fairly open but I wasn’t always.  My husband was the first and last person to break my heart.  He opened a thousand doors that were closed.  My children smashed every last one.  I cry over miniscule things and I have them to blame.  Or thank.  I’m flawed but aren’t most of us?  If you never slipped up, fell down, messed up then I think you might be lying.

“I am the sum total of everything that went before me, of all I have been seen done, of everything done-to-me. I am everyone everything whose being-in-the-world affected was affected by mine. I am anything that happens after I’m gone which would not have happened if I had not come.”

Salman Rushdie Midnight’s Children

Linking up for Eden’s Fresh Horses where she’s asking “Who are you?”

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

  • http://www.languagelynx.wordpress.com Leah @ language | lynx

    Love it Carli. And I love how you’ve named your insecurities Joe Pesce. Can’t think of a name for mine yet!

    • Carli

      Thanks Leah.

  • http://www.fitbodyfifty.com/ Kerryn Woods (@kerrynwoods)

    Bravo!

    I don’t like palings up my arse either.

    • Carli

      They’re awkwardly uncomfortable aren’t they?

  • http://www.undertheyardarm.com Naomi

    I love this. I think I need a name for my insecurities too.

    • Carli

      Thanks Naomi, nothing better than telling Joe to bugger off!

  • http://blog.annaspargoryan.com/ Anna Spargo-Ryan

    At least you’re in good company with Joe in your brain :D

    You sound like an excellent you, Carli.

    • Carli

      Thanks Anna, yes Joe doesn’t take much shit does he?!

  • http://www.noonetoldmandie.blogspot.com/ Mandie

    My child has made me a blubbering mess. I both blame and thank her for that, too. We are truly the sum of our parts, aren’t we? Some parts good, some could be better, but they all make us .. us.
    Beautiful words, Carli, as always.

    • Carli

      Thanks Mandie, looking forward to checking yours out.

  • http://www.myjourney20-me.blogspot.com Me

    I get how you wonder whether people think you are funny ha ha or funny strange – I often wonder that about myself too !
    Have a great weekend !
    Me

    • Carli

      Thank you, and you too x

  • http://thatgalkiki.blogspot.com/ Christine Macdonald

    Now, this is the type of honest I can hang with. Love this post.

    I’m a new follower – and fan!

    Aloha from California!

    @thatgalkiki

    • Carli

      Thanks so much Christine, always nice to have a Californian on board :)

  • http://playeatlearnlive.blogspot.com/ Kathy

    This is a great post. I also love the naming of the anxieties – I have always called mine my inner Neil for some bizarre reason that’s probably connected to the Young Ones :-)

    And completely love the Midnight’s Children quote. Rushdie is one of my favourite authors for capturing those overarching truths that tremble outside the narrative. (As you have done here.)

    • Carli

      Oh Neil is brilliant name to call them!

  • http://www.katesaysstuff.com katesaysstuff

    Fabulous post Carli. Just beautifully written.

    And Pesce… That is funny. Amusing funny :)

    • Carli

      Thanks Kate, that means a lot.

  • http://www.brightandprecious.com/ Deb @ Bright and Precious

    I love how you view you. I love all the hilarious (funny ha ha) and fascinating things that make you you. Love that Rushdie quote too.

    • Carli

      Thanks Deb, your support means so much.

  • http://www.wheresmyglow.com Glowless

    Loved this, Carli. I have the sudden urge to name my insecurities now.

    • http://www.edenriley.com/ edenland

      ME TOO! And braid my insecurities hair, tell ‘em it’s all going to be alright.

  • Carli

    Thanks Glow, it can be fun telling Joe where to go!

  • http://www.cupofteaandablog.com/2012/06/who-am-i.html Catherine Rodie Blagg @CoTaaB

    Wow. just wow. Such powerful writing. So honest. Love the way you’ve used the quotes. Love the rhythm of the writing. Really great post Carli.

    • Carli

      Thanks Catherine, that means a lot.

  • Debyl1

    Love this post as it is written with such honesty.I can relate to so much here.
    After all the nasty comments left on blogs lately,isnt it wonderful how Eden and her Fresh Horses has got us all seeing how much in common we all really do have.There is kindness and understanding amongst us all instead of the negative of the last few weeks.
    Thankyou for sharing so openly so others feel they are not alone in their feelings.xx

    • Carli

      Thank you for such a lovely comment, and I could not agree more about Fresh Horses.

  • http://happylan.wordpress.com/ Happylan

    I loved this Carli – honest and open. Beautifully written. And you’ve quoted one of my favourite movies of all time. Also, we all know what happens to Joe in Goodfellas, hope your insecurities can be ‘silenced’ too.

    • Carli

      Haha thanks Alana, maybe I need to “take him out” for dinner ;)

  • http://thelittlemumma.typepad.com Angie@TheLittleMumma

    This here? Is some serious writing. And man, do I love discovering writing like this. Spare but glittering with what’s real.

    Gorgeous. The writing and, I suspect, you.

    • Carli

      Thanks Angie, loved your post so I’m very flattered.

  • http://www.beloverly.blogspot.com Cat

    When I saw you linked up yours was the first link I clicked….I would really love to have dinner with you! I see myself as the “sum of…” too. I think naming your insecurities is genius. I’ll think on that one for a while. Brilliant post Carli x

    • Carli

      Thanks so much Cat, I would so be up for dinner one day x

  • http://mixedgems.net Veronica @ Mixed Gems

    I’ve always found you a fascinating person, Carli. And you’ve pulled me in hook, line and sinker again.

    • Carli

      Thanks Veronica, that’s lovely of you to say x Joe just wants to know if you mean “fascinating interesting” or “fascinating weird”?! ;)

  • http://www.edenriley.com/ edenland

    I love this. Adore.

    Thousand doors open then closed. KNOWING nobody else will ever break your heart again.

    Bloody top chick you are, Carli

    xxx

    PS Fuck fencesitting

    • Carli

      Thanks Eden, let’s hope the husband was the last! Awesome link up as usual x

  • http://www.mariatedeschi.com/mumsword Maria Tedeschi (Mum’s Word)

    Because of my husband I have seen Goodfellas about 4 million times. And we always quote Joe Pesci. And now it’s part of me.

    And I totally get the crying at everything. Since I’ve had my kids I cry plenty. And I’ll get emotional over an ad. I used to be harder than this. I’m still not used to it and sometimes feel a little foolish.

    Love & stuff
    Mrs M

    • Carli

      It must be the Italian husband thing. I used to be harder than this too x

  • http://mummiesaremagic.blogspot.com Jess WhoaMamma

    You are such an eloquent writer, Carli. Beautiful post. Thank you for the giggle with Pesce. And that Rushdie quote, goosebumps. x

    • Carli

      Thanks Jess x

  • http://www.maxabellaloves.blogspot.com Maxabella

    Joe Pesce! God, we all have a little cup of Joe in us, don’t we?

    I think I’m funny ha ha and funny strange. And just strange.

    Love your writing, as always.

    x

    • Carli

      Thanks Bron x

  • http://Www.twitchycorner.com Twitchy

    Slowly making my way around this Fresh Horses theme and astonished at how stirring some of the responses are. This is one of them- it’s the kind of thing we wouldn’t see if Eden hadn’t been so clever as to give us all permission to so. I’m so glad she did. Thank you Carli.

    • Carli

      And thank you, she can bring out the best in us can’t she?

  • http://lifeloveandhiccups.blogspot.com/ Sonia Life Love Hiccups

    Didnt think it was possible to adir eyou any more than I already did, I was wrong. you have a gift hun a HUGE frigging gift! xx

    • http://lifeloveandhiccups.blogspot.com/ Sonia Life Love Hiccups

      That was supposed to say adore you – clearly my brain and my fingers are not working together!

    • Carli

      Sonia you are seriously so kind! Hopefully we can meet somewhere down the line x