Who am I?

I am the sum of all my parts.  Genetics.  Aesthetics.  Heretics.  Some days it’s glaringly obvious who I am and I’m happy.  Other days I count the close friends on less than one hand and I begin to question my own worth.  “You’re not a good person” “You’re too opinionated” “Lose some weight” – you know, the usual.

I struggle to sit on fences.  I’ve learned to judge less.  Evolve.  But it’s bloody uncomfortable with a paling up your backside and I don’t want to sit next to apathy.

I am fiercely loyal.  I don’t suffer fools.  Narrow-mindedness upsets me.  I like red boiled lollies.  I love laughing.  I deflect things with humour.  Sometimes I’m funny, sometimes I’m not.  Sometimes people tell me I’m funny and I’m not sure if they mean “funny ha ha” or “funny strange”.   There are insecurities that rattle inside my brain I have named Joe Pesce – “I’m a little fucked up maybe, but I’m funny how, I mean funny like I’m a clown, I amuse you? I make you laugh, I’m here to fuckin’ amuse you? What do you mean funny, funny how? How am I funny?”  It’s not very funny.

I’m fairly open but I wasn’t always.  My husband was the first and last person to break my heart.  He opened a thousand doors that were closed.  My children smashed every last one.  I cry over miniscule things and I have them to blame.  Or thank.  I’m flawed but aren’t most of us?  If you never slipped up, fell down, messed up then I think you might be lying.

“I am the sum total of everything that went before me, of all I have been seen done, of everything done-to-me. I am everyone everything whose being-in-the-world affected was affected by mine. I am anything that happens after I’m gone which would not have happened if I had not come.”

Salman Rushdie Midnight’s Children

Linking up for Eden’s Fresh Horses where she’s asking “Who are you?”

Edenland's Fresh Horses Brigade

48 comments

  1. My child has made me a blubbering mess. I both blame and thank her for that, too. We are truly the sum of our parts, aren’t we? Some parts good, some could be better, but they all make us .. us.
    Beautiful words, Carli, as always.

  2. Me

    I get how you wonder whether people think you are funny ha ha or funny strange – I often wonder that about myself too !
    Have a great weekend !
    Me

  3. This is a great post. I also love the naming of the anxieties – I have always called mine my inner Neil for some bizarre reason that’s probably connected to the Young Ones :-)

    And completely love the Midnight’s Children quote. Rushdie is one of my favourite authors for capturing those overarching truths that tremble outside the narrative. (As you have done here.)

  4. Debyl1

    Love this post as it is written with such honesty.I can relate to so much here.
    After all the nasty comments left on blogs lately,isnt it wonderful how Eden and her Fresh Horses has got us all seeing how much in common we all really do have.There is kindness and understanding amongst us all instead of the negative of the last few weeks.
    Thankyou for sharing so openly so others feel they are not alone in their feelings.xx

  5. I loved this Carli – honest and open. Beautifully written. And you’ve quoted one of my favourite movies of all time. Also, we all know what happens to Joe in Goodfellas, hope your insecurities can be ‘silenced’ too.

  6. Cat

    When I saw you linked up yours was the first link I clicked….I would really love to have dinner with you! I see myself as the “sum of…” too. I think naming your insecurities is genius. I’ll think on that one for a while. Brilliant post Carli x

    • Carli
      Author

      Thanks Veronica, that’s lovely of you to say x Joe just wants to know if you mean “fascinating interesting” or “fascinating weird”?! ;)

  7. I love this. Adore.

    Thousand doors open then closed. KNOWING nobody else will ever break your heart again.

    Bloody top chick you are, Carli

    xxx

    PS Fuck fencesitting

  8. Because of my husband I have seen Goodfellas about 4 million times. And we always quote Joe Pesci. And now it’s part of me.

    And I totally get the crying at everything. Since I’ve had my kids I cry plenty. And I’ll get emotional over an ad. I used to be harder than this. I’m still not used to it and sometimes feel a little foolish.

    Love & stuff
    Mrs M

  9. Joe Pesce! God, we all have a little cup of Joe in us, don’t we?

    I think I’m funny ha ha and funny strange. And just strange.

    Love your writing, as always.

    x

  10. Slowly making my way around this Fresh Horses theme and astonished at how stirring some of the responses are. This is one of them- it’s the kind of thing we wouldn’t see if Eden hadn’t been so clever as to give us all permission to so. I’m so glad she did. Thank you Carli.

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