My mother and I recently had a discussion about sex nagging. She and her friends had, in the throes of new parenthood, conceived of a book entitled “101 Ways to Avoid Sex with your Husband”. I’m not sure how the publishers missed this because it’s brilliant and should be included in maternal health handouts alongside “Lock up your Poisons” and “Library Rhyme Time”.
Now I know there are those with insatiable appetites for whom toddlers, babies and lack of sleep wield no power. Some like to boast of their prowess on internet discussion threads or over a girl’s night out, claiming “If he’s not getting it from you, he’s getting it elsewhere”. Now call me naive but I like to live in a world where men aren’t necessarily uncontrollable beasts. Or arseholes.
I’m not suggesting it isn’t nice to feel desired and that certain things can’t be attained through a little boudoir action, like intimacy, exercise or that girl’s weekend away. It’s just that occasionally one is more preoccupied with the idea of sleep. So in the interests of looking out for the sex nagged, here are my tips for avoiding it.
- Advise husband you are going to bed early to read a book. Hope he falls asleep on the couch. If this doesn’t work, prep with red wine and roast chicken.
- Instigate an argument. My husband assures me I’ve got this one down to a fine art.
- You are too sore from Pilates.
- Try “I feel a bit nauseous” – much more authentic than headaches.
- Pretend you forgot to shower. Even better, forget to shower.
- Talk about his mother or whether you think his parents are still having sex.
- One of my mother’s friends insisted her broken toe would throb during sex (I’m not saying you should purposely break a toe).
- Get into an in-depth discussion on something trivial, like whether your sister is ignoring you or not. Waffle.
- Enrol in university. You will always have assignments due.
Do you think this is a book that needs to get published? Have you got any more tips you can share?